Mohiniyattam....El Jardín de la Reina

Retiro de Danza Hindú y Meditación

Y sigo copiando escritos del pasado....Viernes 8 de febrero del 1996

VIERNES 8 DE FEBRERO 1996 (01:00)


Tal vez es demasiada vanidad decir que los tres estamos contentos... y aclaro antes que nada que la palabra “contentos” no me gusta pues la considero poco explicativa para el estado de ánimo en que nos encontramos. Y tengo que mencionar también que no existe razón alguna que explique nuestra transitoria felicidad. Pero si logro terminar de escribir esto sin mencionar las causas por las cuales no deberíamos de sentirnos así, tendré entonces otra razón que justifique dicha “alegría”. Y también lo pongo entre comillas porque mas que alegría, explico nuestro estado de ánimo como egoísmo, vanidad y cierta sensación de bienestar. Puedo pensar que tanto egoísmo puede parecer obsceno aunque a decir verdad no quiero detenerme a pensar en eso. En este instante, mi mente sonríe, mi corazón se acomoda para recargarse en mi, y yo trato de comprender nuestro estado. Decido entonces correr hacia el espejo y no logro ver a ninguno de aquellos dos, solo veo mi imagen reflejada y veo como una bella sonrisa corresponde a mi llamado. Y es entonces cuando regreso y me doy cuenta que estar acompañada por una televisión, una taza de café, un cigarro recién encendido y una máquina de escribir vieja, una hoja sencilla de libreta, y mis inseparables compañeros, mi mente y mi corazón... logran hacerme sentir a gusto aquí,... a pesar de estar sola, de no tener con quien conversar, de contar los segundos, minutos, horas, días (por cierto... solo son 108 días los que me quedan aquí) y de no tener otra cosa que hacer, independientemente de las reglamentarias consultas que doy por cubrir determinado horario, que escribir una que otra loquera que lo único que reflejan son las enfermedades que padezco... que padecen. Mas que la paranoia del corazón, y que conste que lo escribo con su consentimiento,... reflejan el delirio de grandeza de mi mente que cree que puede abarcar otras áreas que no le corresponden. Cree que puede dar consultas un rato, estudiar otro rato, leer algún libro mas tarde, escribir cuanta tontería se le ocurre y todavía verse en el espejo y hacer que le guste la imagen que éste le muestra... y a decir verdad la felicito, porque hasta la fecha lo ha logrado. Sin embargo estoy un poco preocupada por el corazón, aunque no le gusta que lo involucre en mis escritos, esta vez si lo haré. No daré motivo alguno para que luego me reclame, pues en esta ocasión sólo diré que me preocupa por que no hace todo lo que la mente, pero bueno... son diferentes... además, está contento y eso me da gusto... independientemente que esté de flojo y de despreocupado. De hecho, creo que mi mente le contagió algo de sus delirios de grandeza, que en él tuvo el efecto de presentarse únicamente como un exceso de confianza y no miento al decir que se ve mejor y lo escucho más tranquilo.


Y voy de nuevo al espejo y sin tomar en cuenta a la mente y al corazón, sonrío, me acomodo el cabello, apago la luz y regreso convencida de que nunca escribirán aquellos dos de mí, por lo que debo ser sincera y decir que yo no estoy tan sana como presumo, pues sufro de ataques de hiperactividad y algo de hipomanía, que me hacen sonreír de nuevo y terminar de escribir lo mas rápido posible para poder revolcarme en el silencio de mi soledad que solo por unos instantes pide al tiempo no transcurrir y dejarme disfrutar de estas fiestas privadas que podemos organizar los tres hasta terminar agotados y hartos de placer por el simple hecho de llenarnos de sonido y sensaciones cada vez mayores y diferentes cada una. Y termino ahora si diciendo que por primera vez escribo de esta locura y por primera vez, ésta locura me gana y le gana también a mi mente en la lucha en que la primera pide dejar de escribir y la segunda, perdiendo pide mas hojas.

About rats, pigs and dogs.... Diciembre 2007

The pig is finishing... Just 12 months ago, days passed too slow for the dog to leave… or was it the monkey? I really believed (and trusted) the pig was going to radically change the previous bad luck/year (not the insomnia); my life depended on its good fortune (and on the departure of the monkey… or the dog’s). With crossed fingers, eyes and moral in the rug, and faith hidden behind tears, I waited with more expectation than happiness for the dog to end… or hopefully not to survive it. Some dogs cheat, abandon, lie, steal and hurt. And not without previous notice, I found myself in the middle of the game with esteem blood levels in zero and ethylic ones in the sky. But the so much expected pig arrived… I don’t know if it was my faith or actually the rat and the pig make a privileged association and it was just written. The journey began in the north, with tears (plus 10) and a long desired tattoo… A “kind of” honeymoon followed, but sooner than later, the previously known (and lived) optical illusion made itself evident; pink daydream, pink but unreal. Reality revealed again (sardines can?)… once or twice in the first quarter… and just to finally unveil the truth and remove the pink glasses, the big apple and the first Choo’s illustrated the worst and best time to remember me what I was looking for. Days passed and the pink glasses (tears included) stayed on the rug while we flew to Europe. And by the end of the 2nd quarter, I started to write the book. And suddenly the little brown book (not black as RW’s), is about to reach 1000 pages with hesitant and expectant words and descriptions of more than 6 months. Gill took the place of HBIII, transitory and enlightening Tony left, Sebas is here… by the way… where’re the nails and sleep? Was the latter lost somewhere in the internet? Or was it the parallel reality? Anyway, new games came out with new rules to learn. The second half of the game was better than the two first quarters… but the pig is leaving soon. There’s someone up there to thank for all what I was given: the borrowed relatives with cook included (as previously written) and 4.4 pounds of a spoiled demon; all in a new definition of the whole package, as cited by Lorelei in I don’t remember which season. So what are the new rat’s resolutions? It doesn’t matter everything is different and it doesn’t matter smiles and new shoes (second JC’s?) denote changes. There is life in the planet… there are no mistakes. The pig’s summary is in italics. And next… rats in a rat’s year? Is it privileged too?

150 cosas... Julio 2007....

150 things I like…or at least the first 50 of them…. I like to watch TV series (Gilmore Girls and ER), movies (usually chick flicks); I enjoy watching a full moon, the sea and the clouds from the top of an airplane. I like to smell wet soil just when it stops raining, patchully or sandal incense, a nice lotion (the green bottle of Hugo Boss) and my favorite, Light Blue from Dolce Gabanna. I like to hear the sound of small bells like the ones in my living room, wind chimes, and the sound of keys one against the other. I like the sound of MSN when someone appears online and dry leaves when you step over them. I like to touch your hands and to feel them in my face. I like to touch and play with my hair (and your hair too) and feel sand in my hands. I like to touch a naked body and not exactly a patient’s one. I enjoy eating chips with valentina, sushi, all kind of cheeses, pizza and I like Baileys with caramel. I like to feel safe, protected and peacefully in control of my life. I love to feel a nice and long hug. I like to stay in bed for hours even if I am not sleeping, I like to loose my mind dancing when I’m alone to finally watch a rerun TV series. I love to fly and travel and walk alone in a foreign country. Not everyone can say they enjoy buying in a supermarket, but I do; as well as taking long showers, chat in the messenger, watch movies in my ex-bed with my mother and I like to walk naked in my house. I like to buy everything ( CD’s, glasses, clothes, DVD’s, jewels, shoes, cell phones, laptops, handbags, makeup, perfumes and accessories for my hair). I like to talk and talk and talk and talk… and write; I like to use your chest as a pillow and rest and smile. I like to eat chocolates, watch my fish (HBIII) and feel happy!!...


32 more…


I like to watch myself in a mirror, my body, my piercing and my tattoo. I like to watch the sky when it’s full  of red clouds and I enjoy with a huge smile, watching thousand of neon lights of Times Square and the single new brilliant green color of stoplights of Reforma. I like to smell a cigarette before being smoked… and I don’t smoke anymore. I like how rain and wood smell, as well as eucalypt and trees. I like to hear when water falls and when the wind blows through leaves of trees. I like to hear HBIII making noises with the gems
and tender, genuine sigh in my ear. I like the flavor of your kisses, ice cream and diet coke! I like to feel pretty and like to feel my self smiling from inside of me. I like to touch cashmere and feel warm slippers when it’s cold. Things I love to do? Play, laugh, try clothes and hats in stores and wear black leather bonnets. I  like to sleep, daydream and show of (whatever I can show of, I will). I enjoy being alone and enjoy being with you too. I like the smell of roses, good leather and it is well known I love to smell Benjui!!!!!; But most, the smell of fried onion or garlic when my mother cooks. I like to watch Migue running, jumping, sleeping and wearing his karategui. I like to see my name written in an article or preliminary program, on line or in paper. I like to break small branches just to hear the noise they make, Roger Waters voice (it doesn’t matter which song), the sound of the turbines of an airplane just before it takes off, and how that sexy accent sounds. I like to touch and play with play-doh but most I like to smell it. I like to touch and break the plastic bubbles used to wrap and protect things, and the sound they make while breaking them. I like the flavor of bacon and the shrimp soup my mother makes for New Year. I like to eat all kind of chamoy, miguelito, salim, pelones and chilim. I like to feel the sun in my face while I close my eyes. I like to feel lazy and like to rest and lie down. I like to hug, kiss and love and spend a whole day in my pajamas without having a shower. I like to see myself talking in front of a lot of people, but dancing rock n roll just with my father. I like the salty smell of the sea
and the sound of the waves crashing into the beach; I like to walk around my neighborhood (although I don’t do it frequently), but would prefer to walk with your hands in my waist.


…and the last 35…


I like to stay really late at night, I like to see smiling open eyes looking at mines while talking, and kissing; my bed not empty and I am not talking about stuffed dogs laying by my side. I like to hear the sound when surgical clamps are locked but I prefer to hear “I love you” whispered in my ears. I like the taste of the first sip of red wine; I like to watch myself in a mirror after doing my hair and makeup, to feel intelligent and to say  stupid jokes. I like to gossip with my sister four hours about guys; prepare slides, give talks and feel successful after that. I like to place catheters in jugular veins. I like to exercise preferably swimming or jogging (I haven’t done anything recently) but I also like to take it easy walking by myself in the park. I like to feel strong arms around me and all the weight of a body in my back while lying facing down in my bed (whose body?) I like to feel relief, pleased and lucky independently of others mood. I like to dig in my hands in raw dough, especially if sticky and eat fish “ceviche” with a lot of lemon, vinegar, catsup and valentina… and in the same meal fried oysters with bacon and chipotle. I like to go to concerts of groups I like, better if I know all the songs. I like to be surrounded by people who like me, give presents and better if it is a detail or a surprise. Although I like to talk, I like to listen too… especially if it’s you. I like to find new profile comments and picture comments and feel the warm, confidence and refuge of love…

Finally...

starting... re-writting... let's see...